GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
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It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Kids, do not try this at home!
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Weirdos gonna weird.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat