when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
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HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
🍞🦆
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture