Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
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I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*