There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
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studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.