“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?