toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
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I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
the three branches of government
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast