Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
You Might Also Like
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.