[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
You Might Also Like
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I feel it
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
They’re not wrong
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…