How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
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Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.