Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
You Might Also Like
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
become ungovernable
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*