is there nothing we can trust anymore
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satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.