im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat