Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
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I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years