[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Oh. My. God.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
BRO LMFAO
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.