Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
this is the best day of my life
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*