me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
You Might Also Like
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now