My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
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trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Come back with a warrant
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!