You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
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I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’