Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
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Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.