My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
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Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/