When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
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Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
an octopus is just a wet spider
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…