Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
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Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Why am I like this?
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.