“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
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-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.