Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
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Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in