My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
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My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.