Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
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“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
FRED: right
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever