Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
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interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.