I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
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Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.