There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
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“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I’m awake but I object,
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Um … Hot Wings please
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.