That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
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Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
british sex workers really pound for pound
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”