All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
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Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.