I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”