im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
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That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate