Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
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Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Sooo many times…..
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care