If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
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I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator