“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
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I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I love twitter
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
screw you
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal