I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
You Might Also Like
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me