Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
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OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.