My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
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Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
😆this is so true
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Spam popsicles.
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