He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
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does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]