I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
…żyje?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now