I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
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THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
my professor scared me for a second
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Best misinterpreted text ever!
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.