I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
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If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.