If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
You Might Also Like
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
#dalle2
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
That’s amazing.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work