Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
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Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Rt to bother an English speaker
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!