I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
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DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”