Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
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Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.