me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
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Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.