A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
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My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
#titanic
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.