If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
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Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.